iPhone 5 Upgrade Less than Astounding

Apple unveiled the new iPhone today with few surprising revelations, although the name iPhone 5 is somewhat shocking. I thought they’d choose something a little more accurate like the “iPhone Resistance is Futile Edition” or “iPhone 5 Hundred Dollars Please.” One thing is certain, the iPhone 5 is somewhat worse than the iPhone 6.

There has been a lot of hype surrounding the launch of the iPhone 5 as some people believed the phone might possibly contain some really cool new features, such as housing the creative essence of Steve Jobs within its circuitry. However, the iPhone 5 seems to be less of a technological advancement. Number 5 is not alive. Even so, it does have a larger screen, faster download time, a longer battery life, and the ability to heal your marriage and make your children love you. But who cares about that, I want to know if it comes with a more reasonable data plan.

It is reported (by me) that President Obama and Governor Mitt Romney both came out in favor of the new iPhone today. Ron Paul had an opinion but was not allowed to speak. Some people are concerned that technological innovation is creating an irrational “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality in the cell phone market. To calm fears, I’ve created a helpful list to determine when you should upgrade your cell phone.

– If you see Amish people using your phone, you might want to upgrade. By the way, do people convert to the Amish way of life and then grow a beard, or does the beard convert first and the person follows.

– If your cell phone has a rotary dial, you might want to upgrade.

– If your cell phone uses Etch A Sketch processors, you should probably upgrade.

– If your volume control consists of holding the phone closer or farther from your face, an upgrade might be in order.

– If your cell phone won’t fit in your pocket, seems like an upgrade is necessary.

– If you own an iPhone 4S an upgrade is the obvious next step.

Although the new iPhone 5 has many features to improve your cell phone experience, it is still unable to improve the content of your calls, especially when it’s your mother. Which isn’t a big deal since no one really talks on the phone anymore. At least that’s what I read from a text about a tweet of a Facebook post someone sent me.

It’s exciting to live in times such as these. When I’m old I’ll be able to tell my grandkids, “Back in my days, iPhones had single digit names, and no one had to bow down to the Socialist Collective of the Obama Dynasty. However, we still had to wait in lines for the latest iPhone. Now plug me into the wall, I need to be recharged, I’m working a double greeter shift at the Walmart chapel.


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5 Responses to iPhone 5 Upgrade Less than Astounding

  1. Shannon September 12, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Honestly Doug~ I am literally LAUGHING OUT LOUD! You sir are pure genius! Love your writings and the realization that someone else thinks like me! ……still LAUGHING 🙂 Thanks so much

    • fairlyspiritual September 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

      Your welcome. Thank you for not using LOL in your praise. Laughing out loud is the appropriate usage on my site.

  2. Peter Kwiatkowski September 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm #

    You crazy freak! Hilarious…I’m in a good mood now after reading your “helpful list”

    • fairlyspiritual September 12, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

      Your welcome. My goal is to be unintentionally helpful whenever possible.

  3. legionwriter September 13, 2012 at 5:22 am #

    One article I read today put it perfectly: the iPhone 5 could be made of bottle caps and dog pooh, and people would still swoon.
    I love my iPhone.
    I hate my iPhone.

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