Pharisee Preserve

(One of my favorite columns)

My Fairly Spiritual column and radio show are avoided by millions of people every week. Nary a month goes by where someone recognizes me in public. Even so, I still believe it is important to lend my celebrity to worthy causes. Therefore, I’d like to introduce my readers to an issue near and dear to my heart: the issue of Pharisee proliferation.

In recent years, the North American Pharisee population has increased to dangerous, epidemic levels. If present trends persist, Pharisees may someday outnumber the individuals they are trying to judge. In other words, there will soon be a two to one Pharisee to nice person ratio throughout much of the western hemisphere.

That means you and I will have at least two hypocritical people judging and condemning everything we do. This doesn’t even include spouses.

There are many reasons Pharisees have invaded large segments of the Christian church. First, it is extremely difficult to identify a Pharisee; primarily because you and I are not Pharisees. Instead, it’s always the guy next to us, that family in the front row, or the church down the street. Unfortunately, Pharisees are usually oblivious to their own Pharisaical proclivities.

To make matters worse, once Pharisees attach to a church, it is almost impossible to remove them. Just two or three Pharisees can outlast an entire church population. There’s nothing a Pharisee hates more than missing an opportunity to be annoyed. Consequently, Pharisees, year after year, regularly attend almost all church functions.

Some churches have found it easier to move their entire congregation rather than try to get rid of a rather cantankerous, but persistent, Pharisaical council member. It is true some Pharisees will leave their church. However, the sad truth is they just walk down the street and latch onto another unsuspecting congregation. In reality, Pharisees don’t really go away, they just trade churches.

With this in mind, I want to urge my readers to join me in the fight against Pharisee proliferation. If we all lend a hand, we can make a difference. That’s why I’m proud to introduce The Pharisee Preserve. The Pharisee Preserve is a one thousand acre natural wildlife preserve that will one day feed and care for thousands of Pharisees. This religious sanctuary will provide a safe and secure place for Pharisees to run free with fellow overly critical Christians.

As Pharisees are almost impossible to please, The Pharisee Preserve will provide activities the are specially designed for the needs of judgmental and hypocritical people. The Pharisee Preserve will provide daily worship services where the music is too loud, the songs are too long, and the sermons too boring.

The Preserve will also cater to the diversity that exists within Pharisee communities. This means there will be unique activities that stimulate emergent church Pharisees as much as traditional worship service Pharisees. Whether they are a mainline, independent, or high church hypocrite, The Pharisee Preserve will provide programs that satisfy the Pharisee’s need to be dissatisfied.

Right now, The Pharisee Preserve is more of a dream than a reality. To be honest, besides this article, I just have a few sketches on a napkin. The plans still need to be fleshed out. Particularly the tram tours. Even so, I’m looking for some start up capital to make this dream come true.

You and I both know we are surrounded by Pharisees. Let’s unite by focusing on the failings of others. If we all do our part, The Pharisee Preserve will be more than a dream, it will be someone’s home. Someone other than you or me.

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